What’s up dudes, my name is Randy Peppercorn (like you didn’t already know haha). Mrs. Stevens says I gotta read you guys a historical timeline about an important thing in our lives, but this is a FUTURE timeline so you gotta change this history class to FUTURE class now, ok? Also, so’s ya know, it’s not cool to say “dilznick” anymore, if you wanna be cool you have to say dilz, dilznick is for lames. So without further adieu, here’s a “history” of my dilz.
1998: My dilz is formed when it shoots out my dad’s dilz into my moms. I think it’s pretty cool that a dilz becomes a dilz from another dilz. Like on that badass HBO show with the dead sluts I guess you could say time is a flat circle.
For a while my dilz is just a kid and boring.
2010: All of a sudden my dilz is moving around and getting me into
Situations. I have to hunch over when I leave classes a lot cause my dilz has a mind of its own and is always going to the bone zone.
2014: My dilz is getting hella hungry bros, I’m looking around school like “what’s it gonna take to get some blowies around here?”
2016: My dilz graduates high school having gotten in a buncha mouths. This hasn’t happened yet but it’s going to. It has to.
2018: Damn, my dilz is so used to banging Hooters girls that it’s like bored about it.
2019: My dilz finds a nice girl and settles into a long relationship with her, but after 2 months my dilz checks out and the lady takes off. It is only after she’s gone that my dilz realizes what it had. She is the great love of my dilz’ life and will haunt my dilz forever.
2020: My dilz develops a drinking problem and a writing career. People start calling my dilz “Hunter S. Dilznick,” keeping in mind that trends are cyclical and by 2020 it is now cool to say “dilznick” again.
2021-2069: My dilz leads a hedonistic life trying to fuck its way to filling that emptiness inside but it never does. Though if you look at my dilz’ life on paper (or on video! haha) you’ll see my dilz has a really enviable life of getting up in chicks like crazy.
2069: Please note the year, cause it’s awesome and that’s the year I wanna have this happen. My dilz dies an awesome death, making the biggest cum of all time and then is beatified in dilz heaven. On its deathbed my dilz mouths the name of that chick from 2019, “Rosebud,” and cries a single tear, which gets a buncha chicks wet one last time. The planet blows up after that.
That’s the full sexy history of my dilz you guys! It definitely deserves an “A.” Ladies, please talk to me if you want to meet a historic figure before it becomes historic. I would love to introduce you and… put you in TOUCH… with my dilz. Thank you and may God Bless America – fuck you Mrs. Stevens!